Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

My boss has just appointed me his sex expert advisor.

He said "When I want your fucking advise, I'll ask for it!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

<rant>
God, don't get me started on fluoridated water.
The dumping of industrial effluent into the drinking water under the guise of preventing kid's rotten teeth is one of the biggest disgraces ever perpetrated on the public. There's only one thing that rot's kids teeth and that's sugar and no amount of fluoride in the water is going to make a jot of difference about that.
</rant>
Sorry, slimslob, that's not directed at you. It's just a subject that is a bit close to my heart.

The comment I made was based on personal experience as opposed to political rhetoric. The ground water in the town I grew up in was highly alkaline. Drink too much of it and it would dilate your kidneys in a hurry. We called it the back yard trots. As a result, it had 2 water systems, one for drinking water and one for everything else. We had three faucets in the kitchen sink, hot, cold and drinking. Initially they had water brought in by rail tankers from a town about 40 miles away called Armona. It was naturally fluoridated and was the ideal concentration for reduction/prevention of tooth decay. Eventually the rail tankers had to be condemned and the city had to look for another solution. As a result they built the first operational ionic, reverse osmosis, plant for drinking water purification in the world. Eventually when the California State Water Project put the San Luis Canal down the west side of the San Joaquin Valley, water was brought in from by the Coalinga Canal from the San Luis Canal.

Most children in Coalinga had little or no dental problems while we were drinking the Armona water. The first cavity I had was a number of years after we went off of Armona water.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Dumb Blonde, or a good shot?

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature
and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its
back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Probably told it before but what the hell...I am old!

Two old ladies are driving home from church when they blaze right through a red traffic light. The passenger gets a bit nervous but "no harm, no foul". Then they go through a second and a third! Finally, she just has to speak up before they are in an accident and injured. "Maude, do you realize that you just ran through three red traffic light"? Maude replies..."Oh shit! I'm driving?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.

"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.

"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."

"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

guide to safe fax

Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cautionary tale for this election season:

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year... the bells are not always audible.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

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You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Sorry, the graphics didn't copy/paste over.

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Click here

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course, we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

STOLEN MOMENTS

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Text messaging codes for seniors (and older techs)

I thought the following listing was appropriate.. after all the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors (and for some of you bordering on becoming seniors!)


ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
OMG - Ouch, My Gout!
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO -Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day - revisted

Sorry, for these repeats, I'm cleaning out my Outbox 😉🍻😉