Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence.




As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.









The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."









The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."









The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."









The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."









The lawyer asked, "What









The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."









The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.









The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!









His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.









The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."









(I love this part)









The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked,

"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"What, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,

"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied,

"Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Not sure if I should laugh , cry or have another beer.....

and there is problem?

HAVA NOTHER BEER!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman goes to her gynecologist,

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

The woman says:

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"

The doctor has a look, laughs and says:

"Those arent postage stamps dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

[Geo]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman goes to her gynecologist,

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

The woman says:

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"

The doctor has a look, laughs and says:

"Those arent postage stamps dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

This is wrong on so many levels....But so right....TOO Funny......

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is wrong on so many levels....But so right....TOO Funny......

The medical term is a-cute tan-gental potassium suppository.

Well, if its not in the medical dictionary it is now....

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She said, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot".

She said, "Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She said, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot".

She said, "Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

He hasn't been heard from since.

[rspicer]

Re: Joke of the Day

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, You, get offa my cloud!"

The Scotsman says "Hey, Macloud, Get offa my ewe!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's a big deck
YouTube

as Iowatect says, 'open at your own risk'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

- TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:. . think U will get a chuckle...... ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Farted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered By Medicare CGU: Can't get up CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers FWIW: Forgot Where I Was GHA: Got Heartburn Again IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LWO: Lawrence Welk's On OMMR: On My Massage Recliner WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father
"Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says
"They're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him
"Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says
"Me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies
"Flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

My boss pulled up to work in his new sports car this morning, and I complimented him on it.
He stepped out of his car, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, " Well, if you hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."