Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

At night I can hear apple pie and sometimes ice cream calling me from the fridge, strangely broccoli keeps very quiet.

Got tazerd picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

I was watching TV when my gf sat down beside me, stroked my leg and whispered, "Fancy some fun?"
I said, "You're after something..."
"No I'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bubba was in a fiery car crash His body was so badly burned that nobody was able to identify him. The preacher said "go get Carl and Tom, they were his best friends. They went everywhere together."

Carl came in first. "Damn " he said, "I can't tell, turn him over so I can see his backside." After the coroner flipped him over Carl said it was not him.

Then Tom came in. "Wow I can't tell, can you flip him over?" After the coroner turned him over, Tom said it wasn't him.

"Wait" said the coroner. "What did turning him over have to do with identifying him?"

"Well" said Tom, "Every time the 3 of us went somewhere, people would say, There goes Bubba with 2 assholes, and that guy on the table has only got one."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just to show that I'm (still) alive:

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough tocause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

The benefits of getting older:

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yesterday, a van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.

There were no injuries.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

couple from the UK on holiday in the US and the wife made friends with a skunk ,she really loved this little skunk and she cried when it was time to go home .she said to her husband i wish we could smuggle the skunk home .he said we can all you have to do is put it down your knickers and wear a long coat they wont know its there.what about the smell she said.he said if it dies it dies.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Police in New Jersey pulled over what they thought was a drunk driver and it turned out to be a couple engaging in oral sex. The officers issued a stern warning and a high five.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mike a Scouser is on a trip around North America. One day he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada Desert, and is chatting to the bartender, when he spots a native American Indian wearing full tribal gear sitting at the opposite end of the bar. "Wow" says Mike, "Who's the guy in the Indian gear?"

"That's Red Bear, he's the most amazing memory man ever, ask him anything and he'll give you the correct answer." "Really"? replies Mike sceptically. "Go check him out if you don't believe me" says the bartender.

Mike walks over, and thinks he can stump him by asking him a question about English football.
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? " he asked.
"Liverpool" comes the swift reply.
Mike is amazed and asks "And who did they beat?"
"Leeds" replies the memory man.
"What was the final score?"
"Two-one" he replies in a flash.
Mike is very impressed, but thinks he can catch the memory man out with his final question. "Who scored the winning goal?"
Without hesitation, the memory man replies, "Ian St John."

Mike is stunned, and on his return home tells everyone about the Indian memory man. That day lingers in his mind, and he vows to go back one day to pay his respects to him. Ten years later, he has enough money saved for a return trip, and after weeks of searching in the Nevada Desert, he eventually finds the memory man living in a cave. Mike steps forward, bows, and greets the memory man in the traditional manner.
"How" says Mike.
The memory man squints at him and replies: Diving header in the six yard box."

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bad Pun Warning!!

OK, its Monday morning and heres a real crook one to start the week with.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft
was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an
explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three
days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a ................ are you ready for this? its a bad one..............



a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Well I did warn you!

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

three blokes sitting in the bar when in walks this big guy.one bloke said thats red adair ,the bloke that uses dynamite to put out oil well fires.old harry (one of the three) was very deaf .bill said to tom thats not red adair.tom said yes it is i will go and ask him.he went to where red was sitting and said excuse me but are you red adair .yes said the man .tom said i have always admired what you do can i buy you a beer.thanks said red.jim went back and said i told you it was him .bill said i dont believe you i will go and ask him.he went over and said
excuse me but are you red adair .yes said the man .well i would like to shake your hand and buy you a beer.thanks said red.

poor old deaf harry was sitting there and he said whats going on ,so they said that bloke over there is red addair.harry said i dont think so i will go and ask him.
he went over and said are you red addair ,yes said red






harry said good to meet you

hows ginger rodgers

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Before everyone had indoor plumbing, there was the good old outhouse. One summer Little Johnny was staying out at his grandfathers farm. Grandpa like to show off and so his outhouse was a 2 seater. One day little Johnny went in to do some business and grandpa was already there, doing his business. As Johnny went in, grandpa was standing up, pulling his pants up and a silver dollar fell out of his pocket and went down in the hole. He paused for a moment, looking down the hole, then pulled out a $20 bill and threw it in.

"Grandpa, what did you do that for?" little Johnny exclaimed.

"Well boy, you didn't think I was going down there for just a dollar, did you?"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

little boy sitting on the grass playing with a worm .grandad said what you doing boy,he said i am trying to get this worm back in its hole.
grandad laughed and said if you do it i will give you 50 cents.grandad went back indoors .a little while later the boy went running in .ive done it ,ive done it.
grandad said show me and they went outside and the boy showed him pushing the worm in and out of the hole .grandad said how did you do that .easy said the boy i got mummys hair spray and sprayed the worm lots of times and it worked.well done said grandad i havnt got the 50 cents on me but i will give it to you tommorrow.next day grandad turned up and said here is the 50 cents i promised you and here is a dollar from your granny

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A human resources manager had a position to fill. It just so happens that this man had lost both of his ears in a fire. He was very sensitive about it. When the firt man went in, the manager said that the job requires observation skills and ask the man to make an observation about him.

"You got no ears!" the man blurted out.

The manager became enraged and threw the man out.

The second man went in and was ask the same question. "Your ears are missing" he said and was promptly ask to leave. On the way out he told the third man to be sure and not mention his lack of ears.

When the third man went in and was ask the same question he replied, "You wear contact lens" he said. "Well done!" said the manager, "How did you know?"

"Well, you got no fucking ears to hang your glasses from"

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY

6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269


Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up a bit using Super Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.


Yours very truly,

Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abc