Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

True Story:

Sitting in the bar with a friend and her mom.
My friend told me a story about a nasty rooster her Grandmother had that used to chase her around the back yard.
One day her grandmother grabbed the rooster by the neck and just snapped it like a whip.

I blurted out, "I guess your grandmother knew how to swing a mean cock."

Her mom laughed so hard she had to go to the bathroom to pee.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Y-Factor: whats leftover from the X-Factor auditions .

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the bagpipes ,but doesn't...

Whats the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.

X-Factor: mate --did you hear my last recitial?
Friend : I certainly hope so.

Muso: Do you love music?
Friend: Yes, but you just go ahead and play anyway.

Violinist says to his wife, 'Oh baby!, can I play you like a violin.'
Yeah, but I'd much rather you played me like a harmonica...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Neo, your post reminded me of this one.

What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Jonny was in class learning about Custer's last stand. The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Jonny drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Jonny, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Jonny responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball service manual.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.
The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."
The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."
The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

I heard some kids at the front door earlier shouting "trick or treat"
Apparently, me answering the door stark naked with a raging hard on shouting "treat please"! was not exactly what they were expecting,


according to the police. Ah well, you live and learn.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time. Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I overdosed on viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day


A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra.

"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.

"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

I bought some Viagra off the internet the other day. I wasn't sure if it was genuine and safe so I thought I'd try it on the dog first.

His arse is gonna hurt for days!