Joke of the Day

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  • fixthecopier
    ALIEN OVERLORD

    2,500+ Posts
    • Apr 2008
    • 4713

    #2911
    Re: Joke of the Day

    He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said: 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the facts: at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded: 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
    'Now wot da fock would you say?'
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    • slimslob
      Retired

      Site Contributor
      25,000+ Posts
      • May 2013
      • 37400

      #2912

      Comment

      • Akitu
        Legendary Frost Spec Tech

        Site Contributor
        2,500+ Posts
        • Oct 2010
        • 2595

        #2913
        Re: Joke of the Day

        They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
        So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
        Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
        Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
        God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
        Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

        Comment

        • HenryT2
          Senior Tech

          500+ Posts
          • Apr 2010
          • 962

          #2914
          "The Serenity Prayer" . . .
          God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .

          Comment

          • fixthecopier
            ALIEN OVERLORD

            2,500+ Posts
            • Apr 2008
            • 4713

            #2915
            Re: Joke of the Day

            The wife asks: "Honey, is the neckline on this dress to deep?". The husband looks at her and says: "No babe, but I can see your chest hair." She replies: "But I don't have chest hair!". "Then it's to deep." says the husband.
            The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

            Comment

            • fixthecopier
              ALIEN OVERLORD

              2,500+ Posts
              • Apr 2008
              • 4713

              #2916
              Re: Joke of the Day

              last week I took off my pants and put on a rain coat and went to the park. I saw two old ladies on a bench. I walked over to them and opened my rain coat, exposing myself. One of the ladies had a stroke....the other couldn't reach it.
              The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

              Comment

              • Akitu
                Legendary Frost Spec Tech

                Site Contributor
                2,500+ Posts
                • Oct 2010
                • 2595

                #2917
                Re: Joke of the Day

                The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a while they tell him to explain what happened as honestly as he could. He starts,
                "I was driving and realized that I had lost all possible means of braking or even slowing down the truck."
                "Go on".
                "I was losing control and had to steer the truck onto a large ground besides the road, to avoid collision with the traffic."
                "Then?"
                "I was still unable to slow the truck down, then I realized, to my horror, that I had to make a choice: I could have either steered the truck towards the large crowd which was there for the concert and killed several people or I could have steered the truck towards a hotdog stand where there were only 2 people"
                "You moron! Why didn't you choose to kill the people near the hotdog stand?"
                "I did, officer! I crushed one under my truck, but the other one ran into the crowd."
                Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

                Comment

                • Iowatech
                  Not a service manager

                  2,500+ Posts
                  • Dec 2009
                  • 3930

                  #2918
                  Re: Joke of the Day

                  The secret...

                  Comment

                  • fixthecopier
                    ALIEN OVERLORD

                    2,500+ Posts
                    • Apr 2008
                    • 4713

                    #2919
                    Re: Joke of the Day

                    Why dogs suck at playing poker. They just can't help it.


                    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

                    Comment

                    • Akitu
                      Legendary Frost Spec Tech

                      Site Contributor
                      2,500+ Posts
                      • Oct 2010
                      • 2595

                      #2920
                      Re: Joke of the Day

                      My room mate's diary says I have boundary issues...
                      Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

                      Comment

                      • sdrawkcab
                        Confused & Bewildered

                        250+ Posts
                        • Jun 2009
                        • 317

                        #2921
                        Re: Joke of the Day

                        My neighbors, a blond lesbian couple asked me what I would like for my birthday.

                        They gave me a Rolex.

                        I think they misunderstood, I asked if I could watch.
                        Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints

                        Comment

                        • Akitu
                          Legendary Frost Spec Tech

                          Site Contributor
                          2,500+ Posts
                          • Oct 2010
                          • 2595

                          #2922
                          Re: Joke of the Day

                          I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.
                          "What's been going on John?"' I asked.
                          "Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
                          Dirty bastard.
                          Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

                          Comment

                          • fixthecopier
                            ALIEN OVERLORD

                            2,500+ Posts
                            • Apr 2008
                            • 4713

                            #2923
                            Re: Joke of the Day

                            The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

                            Comment

                            • Akitu
                              Legendary Frost Spec Tech

                              Site Contributor
                              2,500+ Posts
                              • Oct 2010
                              • 2595

                              #2924
                              Re: Joke of the Day

                              What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

                              The polar bear.
                              Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

                              Comment

                              • fixthecopier
                                ALIEN OVERLORD

                                2,500+ Posts
                                • Apr 2008
                                • 4713

                                #2925
                                Re: Joke of the Day

                                Originally posted by Akitu
                                What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

                                The polar bear.


                                As opposed to the bi-polar bear, who is really unpredictable.
                                The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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