Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a six-foot
Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill...................

[izzynut]

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world

#8 Life is sexually transmitted

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

DIVORCE HEARING IN ITALY..............

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!

[izzynut]

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'







Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.





Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.





Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...





BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.










Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[tsbservice]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked,

"Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

FB_IMG_1542872447984.jpg

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

How the word "Kung-Fu" originated.
-----------------------------------------
The elder of the local aboriginal tribe had to teach all the
young bucks how to throw a boomerang.

So,all the young bucks line up to watch the expert elder throw.
In turn each lad had to step up to the head of the line an throw their boomerang.

Young jacky-jacky is getting impatience waiting at the back of the line,
so he decides to test fly his own boomerang out back behind the others.

Jacky's boomerang flew purfect, it went flying out in a huge high cycle
an came thundering back toward Jacky-jacky, who tried to jump up and catch it.
He missed the boomerang as it thundered passed the rest of the boys, an
smacked the elder clear in the back of the head.

As the elder got up off the ground, he turned around and said "Which Kung-Fu That!!!"...

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day