Joke of the Day

[FrohnB]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Woman is sitting at her deceased Husband's funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot".

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little.jpg

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

My boss pulled up to work in his new sports car this morning, and I complimented him on it.
He stepped out of his car, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, " Well, if you hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

This isn't funny, the boss got a new Mercedes and I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years.

[BaconSteve]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dad joke:

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10 tickles... (tentacles?)

Ahh!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke.

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.

"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered,

"Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

This joke gives away my age a bit but here goes...

A young woman calls in to the Dr. Ruth Westheimer radio talk show and asks if it possible to get pregnant from anal sex. Dr. Ruth says of course it is...where do you think attorneys come from?

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke.

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Or to quote Monty Python "drinking American beer is like making love in a canoe.......f*cking close to water!"

[Geo]

Re: Joke of the Day

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke.

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

I hope I remember this correctly....Some years ago ( 10 +) a man was up on charges of DUI. The complaint read that he was drunk by drinking ( national brand beer) I don't remember the brand...However the lawyer was able to prove that under the Federal definition of beer ,what the person was accused of drinking was in fact not beer. On this bases the case was dismissed because the charge was false , or such some thing...

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

I hope I remember this correctly....Some years ago ( 10 +) a man was up on charges of DUI. The complaint read that he was drunk by drinking ( national brand beer) I don't remember the brand...However the lawyer was able to prove that under the Federal definition of beer ,what the person was accused of drinking was in fact not beer. On this bases the case was dismissed because the charge was false , or such some thing...

I remember when I was in Fort Ord, CA, in 1970 the EM club had 3.2 beer. The reason was that it could be sold to soldiers under the age of 21. Many states considered considered anything 3.2 or less as not being beer.

[theengel]

Re: Joke of the Day

Or to quote Monty Python "drinking American beer is like making love in a canoe.......f*cking close to water!"

I remember hearing that on the first ever Monty Python album that I bought.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

I remember when I was in Fort Ord, CA, in 1970 the EM club had 3.2 beer. The reason was that it could be sold to soldiers under the age of 21. Many states considered considered anything 3.2 or less as not being beer.

He in Oz(with our ridiculous laws), any learner driver displaying "L-Plates" or "P-Plates" on their vehicle must be zero(0) alcohol at the wheel of a vehicle. Even a dose of simple alcohol based cough mixture, or mouth wash will see those lose their drivers license.

In Oz you can lose your Car drivers license if found drunk while driving any of these "recognized vehicles": bicycle,skates,skateboard,pram,horse & cart,boat.
The above are just some of the "recognized vehicles" of operation, but you cannot go into the DMV and get your Car drivers license on a bicycle or skateboard,perambulator, boat etc....

Claytons motor vehicle laws just for revenue collection. They are either "recognized vehicles" or they are not. You can't have the law all one way just when its convenient. A classic example of the law contradicting itself, a true oxymoron.

Idiotic bureaucratic nonsense...

Sorry for digressing...

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

I remember when I was in Fort Ord, CA, in 1970 the EM club had 3.2 beer. The reason was that it could be sold to soldiers under the age of 21. Many states considered considered anything 3.2 or less as not being beer.

I think there was a red ring around the top of the can stating the alcohol content.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

I remember when I was in Fort Ord, CA, in 1970 the EM club had 3.2 beer. The reason was that it could be sold to soldiers under the age of 21. Many states considered considered anything 3.2 or less as not being beer.

Australia changed the drinking age laws from age 21 down to age 18 years during the War.
The Australian 18 year old diggers where allowed by Publican (Pub) owners to sit at the bar and drink alcohol, which was against the law.
I believe the law was changed under the pretext that "The under age boys serving in the Armed forces are allowed to die for their country, but are not allowed to drink incase it causes them harm." Basically ludicrous bureaucracy at the time...

So the law in Australia changed the drinking age from 21 down to 18.

I wish the politicians would now changed it back to 21 year of age before being allowed to drink.
Only problem then is under 21 years drug taking increasing. The choice of the lesser evil. I guess we get to chose between a pound of cow dung in one hand or a pound of dog poo in the other.

...digressing.....

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked,
"Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied,
"Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
"I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
"Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
"Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said,
"Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied,
"My father doesn't like her."