Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?



In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:



GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.



Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.



Both result in death.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is bad I know...but here we go again

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."

[Copier Whisperer]

Re: Joke of the Day

How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Groan.jpg

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

It could have been worse. You could have said "Only to stop myself from going home too quickly."

Sounds fair to me . Good catch slim.

[emujo2]

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Millennial Wedding Proposal

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out.
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am
presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on
a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on
Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two
months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad,
I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly

DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal. And when
you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay..

Love, Your Dad

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I saw a biker with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".


Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?










It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.










Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.










The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.










Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.




Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance
to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose
deeply and then say the line,
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great
passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the
director was steaming:
"You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.

JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was having a great night down at the pub, playing darts and drinking lots,
when a mate of mine came in.

"Why aren't you at home, shagging your beautiful wife?", he asked.

"Why aren't you?", I replied.

"Because I didn't know you'd be here".

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo ! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what ?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep
inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, 'oh, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this !

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NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY
TRAIN !!!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,
''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,
''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,
''Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells,

''FIRE!!!'''