Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
Gold Medal . Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole
and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do
not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in
acknowledgement.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing
Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all
was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised
his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit
the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning
the match.. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of
that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my
face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my
neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was headed for a blind date last night, but I was worried... what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there is an app for just that situation. It's called Mum Are You Okay. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with; Mum? What's the matter? Are you okay? It works every time, so no worries. So anyway, I knocked on the girl's door and it turns out I needn't have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous with stunning looks. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mum? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, hell he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that hell be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. Hes being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, That looks painful. I dont think this is for me!

Door 2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. I dont think so, Clinton insists.

Door 3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. Hes bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. I can handle that! Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

Very well says Satan, Monica, you may go.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after- school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished -- something's up. It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up, he helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Bill, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Bill's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Bill had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Bill, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Bill the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Bill was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

And on the 8th day,

God created Seniors. Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.


Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished -- something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up, he helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A road construction manager needs to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

'Six"

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'

She also stole a can of peas.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Went for an interview on a building site today.

The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"

I said, "Yes I can make tea."

He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"

I said, "How big's the bloody teapot?"