Joke of the Day

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  • tsbservice
    Field tech

    Site Contributor
    5,000+ Posts
    • May 2007
    • 8029

    #6046
    Re: Joke of the Day


    What I Want in a Man - Original List:

    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    10. An imaginative, romantic lover

    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)


    1. Nice looking
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at my jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one tie
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    10. Seeks romance at least once a week

    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

    1. Not too ugly
    2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
    4. Nods head when I'm talking
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends

    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
    5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Remembers your name on occasions
    10. Shaves some weekends

    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

    1. Doesn't scare small children!
    2. Remembers where bathroom is
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    7. Usually wears some clothes
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend

    What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    Comment

    • izzynut
      Gov.

      5,000+ Posts
      • Aug 2013
      • 5347

      #6047
      Re: Joke of the Day

      0623E62B-76CF-4104-90AC-4CB851B57636.jpg

      Comment

      • slimslob
        Retired

        Site Contributor
        25,000+ Posts
        • May 2013
        • 37553

        #6048
        Re: Joke of the Day

        Comment

        • slimslob
          Retired

          Site Contributor
          25,000+ Posts
          • May 2013
          • 37553

          #6049
          Re: Joke of the Day

          Comment

          • izzynut
            Gov.

            5,000+ Posts
            • Aug 2013
            • 5347

            #6050
            Re: Joke of the Day

            5AFA2390-97E0-4B4D-B8C2-78CB207B8212.jpg

            Comment

            • izzynut
              Gov.

              5,000+ Posts
              • Aug 2013
              • 5347

              #6051
              Re: Joke of the Day

              1B0CEA34-D1A0-4410-99F0-92394B0AFC71.jpg

              Comment

              • izzynut
                Gov.

                5,000+ Posts
                • Aug 2013
                • 5347

                #6052
                Re: Joke of the Day

                273020181_7705476729477840_2918505564716331153_n.jpg

                Comment

                • izzynut
                  Gov.

                  5,000+ Posts
                  • Aug 2013
                  • 5347

                  #6053
                  Re: Joke of the Day

                  272994588_10160500871976988_8971901165999347684_n.jpg

                  Comment

                  • slimslob
                    Retired

                    Site Contributor
                    25,000+ Posts
                    • May 2013
                    • 37553

                    #6054
                    Re: Joke of the Day

                    Originally posted by izzynut
                    [ATTACH=CONFIG]51732[/ATTACH]
                    Even if you let it get empty, as long as you do not get another glass, it is still 1 glass. You can make 1 glass of wine last a couple of days or more.

                    Comment

                    • izzynut
                      Gov.

                      5,000+ Posts
                      • Aug 2013
                      • 5347

                      #6055
                      Re: Joke of the Day

                      1CAD1BC3-E443-4CF5-879E-85DA9924CF08.jpg

                      Comment

                      • izzynut
                        Gov.

                        5,000+ Posts
                        • Aug 2013
                        • 5347

                        #6056
                        Re: Joke of the Day

                        DD8965E9-58EA-4444-9461-8CC6CF70D48C.jpg

                        Comment

                        • izzynut
                          Gov.

                          5,000+ Posts
                          • Aug 2013
                          • 5347

                          #6057
                          Re: Joke of the Day

                          F702200B-D55F-412D-9B32-199AA22F3C56.jpg

                          Comment

                          • izzynut
                            Gov.

                            5,000+ Posts
                            • Aug 2013
                            • 5347

                            #6058
                            Re: Joke of the Day

                            She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

                            Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

                            I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

                            She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

                            I told her that was what the beer was for.

                            I don't think she's coming back.

                            Comment

                            • izzynut
                              Gov.

                              5,000+ Posts
                              • Aug 2013
                              • 5347

                              #6059
                              Re: Joke of the Day

                              AMAZING SIMPLE HOMEREMEDIES

                              1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
                              down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

                              2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
                              hold while you chop.

                              3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
                              the sink.

                              4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
                              a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
                              use a timer.

                              5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
                              from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
                              button.

                              6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
                              will be afraid to cough.

                              7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
                              move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
                              duct tape.

                              8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

                              Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ... NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
                              ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
                              STAIRS

                              Comment

                              • izzynut
                                Gov.

                                5,000+ Posts
                                • Aug 2013
                                • 5347

                                #6060
                                Re: Joke of the Day

                                New Wine for Seniors
                                I kid you not....
                                New Wine for Seniors




                                California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
                                It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.


                                The new wine will be marketed as






                                PINO MORE

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