Joke of the Day

[Max Kilby]

Re: Joke of the Day

As we're on the subject of old age......

Three sisters age 92,94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old runs a bath, she puts her foot in and pauses, then she yells down the stairs 'was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I'll come up and see'.

She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells 'was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92 year old is sitting at the table having tea and listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says 'I hope I never get that forgetful'.

She knocks on wood for good measure......then yells 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'

[Max Kilby]

Re: Joke of the Day

And just to get us off the subject of old age - here's an old joke:

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when... he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day


Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.


"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Damn, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

God's sense of humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

[Rob Sandberg]

Re: Joke of the Day

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

Spoken like a ture X husband.

Rob S

[prntrfxr]

Re: Joke of the Day

God's sense of humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

Ha-ha...funny you should bring that one up:

1. Why did God make women? He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

2. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rac k in t he hallway. One hat said to the other,
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his

grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

My friend is dead! What can I do?

Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead

OK, now what?

[Shadow]

^th January, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also 1st & 4^th

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Businessman is keen to add a bear rug to his set of hunting Trophies,so he hires a professional bear hunter to take him on a safari in the woods.The Businessman turns up at the hunters lodge with his car fully loaded with all sorts of rifles and hunting gear. The hunter says to the businessman "all we'll need is a pistol and my dog, that's it". The businessman was truly taken back by the hunters limited hunting style.

Ok,so the trio head off into the woods insearch of a bear....

It wasn't long before the possie came across a small black bear. The dog took off after it just as the bear scrambled up a small tree. The hunter quickly grabbed the tree and started shaking the tree and the bear fell to the ground. Just then the dog mounted the bear and litteraly rooted the bear to death. The businessman was amazed he'd never seen anything like that before. So, he said to the hunter "can I see your dog do that again".

So the trio headed off in search of another bear...

The same as before the dog tracked down another bear and had it bailed up in a small tree. The hunter began shaking the tree but the bear didn't fall down. He asked the businessman to help him shake the tree,but the bear would not fall down.

The hunter said, "ok we have a serious situation,I'm going to go up in the tree after the bear,here is my pistol, if I fall down first shoot that dog..."

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

God created man and stood back to admire his handy work,

"well, it's not bad" he said "but I reckon I can do better"

So god created woman.

Once woman was created he began to inspect his work

"Ah f**k it" he says "She's just gunna have to wear make up"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

I slept with your mother!I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

[kyrenecopy]

Re: Joke of the Day

A rabbi, a priest, a hooker and a duck walk into a bar and the bar tender looks at them and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Guy Walks Into A Bar - Magic Apples - Snotr


Paul