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Re: Joke of the Day
A balding, white haired man from Sanctuary Cove in Queensland, walked into a jewellery store on the Gold Coast last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
See ... Not All Seniors Are Old and Senile!!!!$hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.....................................sigpic....................................Lock & LoadComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...
"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.$hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.....................................sigpic....................................Lock & LoadComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Q.Whats Budweiser and rooting in a canoe got in common?
A. They're both f#*king close to water.
Q. Whats the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and an anorexic hooker?
A. One is a phoney buck
Q/ Whats a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
A. They both get to sniff it, bt never get to eat it.
Q. How do you know if you are a bogan\redneck?
A You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table, in front of her 2 kids.I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas EdisonComment
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"The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
.They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off ...... let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
::: The Anglician Church forebids drinking of alcohol by its ministers. :::
An anglican paster arrived home from official duties at wedding ceremony one evening to find a full case of Cherry Brandy sitting on his door step. The unsigned card on the case of brandy said "Thankyou for all your support."
Scratching his head the minister had no idea from who it came.
The following Sunday the minster addresses the church congregation.
I would like to thank the person who left that wonderful case of cherries at my door step.
It was truly given in the right spirit.
And it would be remiss of me not to share that spirit with such a kind person.Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
•••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...
As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
This one is a collection of Steven Wright jokes, one of the all time best one-liner comedians in the history of comedy.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the oppositeof progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travelagent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Or children in general. I don't think girls are any easier. The following list are the things I either did, instigated, or watched someone else do:
1. Flushed things down the toilet until it overflowed. (My little brother witnessed my middle brother and I doing this and was so afraid of water overflowing the toilet, he was in his teens before he flushed a toilet again.)
2. Binocular lenses and sunlight can set things on fire. (We nearly burned down the little wooded area between our house and the neighbors house. I came up with this one. Blame my interest in science.)
3. You can break into houses at night if they don't lock their windows with a quarter. (Wedge it in the jam and lift. If you get caught nearby, you can tell the dumb adults you couldn't have done it, since you didn't have a screwdriver with you and only had 50 cents. By the way, we played flashlight tag in recently built houses that were not completely finished at nighttime. Awesome fun. We stopped because other kids in the neighborhood were breaking windows and the police were looking for the culprits.)
4. Clorox and ammonia cleaner make a noxious gas. If you keep a small bottle with you when you're riding your bike you can spray mean dogs that chase you with it and keep them away. (If you blind them, claim it was done in self defense. I never blinded any of them, but who knows, it might happen. Don't fill the bottles all the way up, have one of those flip-top spouts on it and shake it vigorously before flipping the top to open. You don't even have to squeeze the bottle. Do this outside. Bleach in the house can make things you don't want white, white. We got in trouble for that too.)
5. If you decide to play a gag on drivers by leaving a handbag in the middle of the road attached to fishing line and fishing pole, DO NOT use mom's favorite leather handbag. (The gentleman who picked it up, drove off with it. It was very funny, until she started asking where it was.)
6. Putting rocks in dad's gas tank can get you in big trouble. (I did that at about age 4 or 5.)
7. Do not chew gum in bed. (I spent the night at a friend's house and she did this. Her mom knew using nail polish remover to get it off the sheets works, but my friend ended up with a bad haircut.)
8. Ceiling fans are great for anything you want to spin around the room. We used water balloons. (Mom was not pleased. By the way, this works well with the bleach and ammonia. Once again, don't fill the balloon real full, because it expands and don't do this in the house.)
9. Do not wrestle your brother in a room with a fish tank in it. Or you will have to explain to dad why his half of his prize guppy's are in a mixing bowl and the other half are flopping around on the carpet. You will also have to explain to mom why the carpet is all wet.
10. Do not wrestle your brother in the kitchen when you are supposed to be loading the dishwasher. Someone could fall damaging the dishwasher door until it no longer closes or drop corning ware on the stove chipping the porcelain. The former gets you in trouble with dad, the latter gets you in trouble with mom. (Better dad than mom. Mom has brought this incident up every year when the entire family gets together, so far and probably will be for the rest of my natural life. Dad's was more painful, but significantly shorter.)
11. Potato peelers are not ouchless safety blades. I thought they were. My brother cut his finger because I told him it was safe and I have carried the guilt ever since. (One of the rare times I was not trying to harm my brother.
12. Dad has gotten very proficient at replacing door jams. This is because I would aggravate my middle brother and shut/lock my bedroom door quickly behind me when he gave chase. He never stopped in time or as he got older would just kick it in.
13. It is not a good idea, although extremely funny, to give the dog chewing gum. Removing it from fur later is a lot of work.
14. Do not practice driving in the driveway after a tree has been cut down. Backing over the stump and bending the axle is a lot of money.
15. Super soaker water guns should not be used in the house.
16. Do not spill milk in the backseat of a car. The subsequent odor is impossible to remove.
17. Do not empty the pee container out the window while driving on the highway on vacation. Sometimes it hits the windshield of the car behind you making the driver angry, sometimes it ends up back in your face, which is worse. (My brother did this one. The driver was mad, but my brother's face was priceless.)
18. Do not let the dog in the house after she has been wallowing in the creek. Muddy wet dog rolling on the carpet will not make mother happy. (Ahem...did I mention it did not make mom happy?)
19. Do not tell your cousins your mother hides the chocolate in the bathroom. (Exlax)
20. If you leave the door open to take something outside (like hanging some laundry) so that you can watch your baby daughter (or in this case granddaughter) at the same time (2+ year old), do NOT think for a second that she hasn't watched you enough to figure out how to shut the door and lock you outside. Then, she will gleefully do something (like taking open cans with serrated edges out of the trash) that she knows she's not supposed to do, because she knows you're watching in horror from the outside. Laughing at you every time you say, "no, you're going to cut yourself" in sheer panic. (My poor grandmother never trusted me again.)
21. Never having a radio that your daughter hasn't taken apart, including all her brother's toys, and all the door handles in the house.
I can't believe I came up with 21 of these. Fortunately, none of us broke a bone. Although there were stitches and emergency trips to the hospital for things like: Dropping a pallet on my foot, stepping on a dog bone while walking barefoot in the yard, getting pecked in the eye by a chicken (don't ask), flipping over the handlebars because we were showing off to neighborhood kids and hit the front breaks instead of the rear (6-8 stitches over the eye), bee stings, gravel/rock fights with neighbor kids, getting hit by a baseball, running into a low clothesline while on a bike at twilight in a neighbor's yard or low branches when riding bikes in wooded areas, and scratches from cats and briars, oh and I almost forgot...getting a fishhook caught in her leg at age 6 and having to have my nose cauterized when I was even younger than that because of a nose bleed that wouldn't stop, that happened in the middle of the night. It's a wonder my parents didn't lose their mind.Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I did on most of it, but didn't always like the consequences. From my cousin (a guy), I learned the art of making a spitball gun and generally finding something to get in to or jokes to play on the folks.
I once took my parents top sheet turned it around and tucked it in at the head of the bed. The top of the sheet I folded over so that it looked like a normal top sheet. Imagine their surprise when they couldn't get their feet to the bottom of the bed. I tried not to laugh as my mother said, "What did you do to the bed, Arthur?"
Dad: "What do you mean?"
Mom: "I can't get in this thing. How did you make it this morning?"
Dad: "What? Let me see, you're probably doing it wrong."
Mom: "How difficult is it supposed to be to get in bed?!"
Dad: "How come? The sheet is only halfway down?"
Mom: "Look at this the bottom of the sheet is tucked in at the head. Why did you do that?"
Dad: "I didn't..."
Mom: "Well somebody did it and it wasn't me!"
At this point I could contain myself no longer and had to laugh. This was followed by my mother's voice, "Young lady, you come in here and fix this bed right now! I don't know why I have children that cause so much trouble. It has to be from your side of the family, I would never have tried this with my parents."
That reminds me, it's been a while since I played a joke on the folks, hmm...Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".Comment
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