Joke of the Day

[bsm2]

Re: Joke of the Day

I am 55 years old and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and I am this witty but I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!!!!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A wife got so mad at her husband she chucked his stuff onto the front lawn and told him to get the hell out. As he was walking out the door she said, I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

{random}
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Yea ol' "hell hath no fury..... "

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. Now he is 83 and we don't know where in the hell he is at.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Stormy Daniels

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. Now he is 83 and we don't know where in the hell he is at.

That probably makes two of you....

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Had to call the police out last night as there were some teenagers in my street causing trouble. When the cops got there one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating a firework. The police charged one and let the other off.

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?".
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I understand a cheese factory blew up in France. All that was left was de brie.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

I am 55 years old and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and I am this witty but I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!!!!

Consider it stolen.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day


Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for allwe have done
and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
it was NOT senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.


And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!!

And, we DO understand the meaning of
patriotism, and remember those who have
fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party.....
Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time,
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is
in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.

MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA
AND MAY AMERICA
CONTINUE TO THANK GOD!!
Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for allwe have done
and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
it was NOT senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.


And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!!

And, we DO understand the meaning of
patriotism, and remember those who have
fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party.....
Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time,
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is
in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.

MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA
AND MAY AMERICA
CONTINUE TO THANK GOD!!
Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

I think that I going to beat Gene as far as stealing this one.
As for recycling Congress, it is easy. If the incumbent has been there more than 3 terms, vote for someone else where you like him or her or not.