Joke of the Day

[sharptech1]

Re: Joke of the Day

I have been training and got a black belt today.


Plus the shoes to match.

[fixthecopier]

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Scientist have just discovered the gene for shyness. They said they would have found it earlier,
but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Not quite but close, I didn't quite catch what the news reader said so I tried to rewind the car radio!

And it runs in the family, someone walked past the window while Mrs Lagonda was watching TV, she didn't see who it was so she picked up the TV HDD recorder remote and pointed it at the window then hit rewind!!

That made me laugh...a lot

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

[Akitu]

[ZOOTECH]

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a bloke met his old friend at the shops .how was your your safari holiday .
don't ask it was terrible and i am very upset.why said his mate.
i was only there for one day and i got captured by a huge silver back gorilla .he dragged me back to his den and for the next two weeks he kept making love to me day and night.
his mate said no wonder you look so upset.
its not that he said .i have been home for three weeks and he hasnt phoned or written.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's probably wishful thinking they might have really bad naggin wives....

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old man... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....


n