Joke of the Day

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  • slimslob
    Retired

    Site Contributor
    25,000+ Posts
    • May 2013
    • 36898

    #3286
    Re: Joke of the Day

    Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
    sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

    Comment

    • emujo
      Field Supervisor

      2,500+ Posts
      • Jun 2009
      • 3009

      #3287
      Re: Joke of the Day

      Originally posted by jonhiker
      The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
      about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
      She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"




      Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
      Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
      Wife: "Oh yeah?"



      Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
      Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
      Maria: "Jor hozban did."

      Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
      Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
      Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband

      say that as well?"





      Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
      "Jor Hozban" Nothing like a good joke complete with an accent...LOL Emujo
      If you don't see your question answered in the forum, please don't think it's OK to PM me for a personal reply...I do not give out firmware and/or manuals.

      Comment

      • slimslob
        Retired

        Site Contributor
        25,000+ Posts
        • May 2013
        • 36898

        #3288
        Re: Joke of the Day

        Comment

        • jonhiker
          Senior Tech

          500+ Posts
          • Apr 2010
          • 661

          #3289
          Re: Joke of the Day

          Comment

          • jonhiker
            Senior Tech

            500+ Posts
            • Apr 2010
            • 661

            #3290
            Re: Joke of the Day

            Nurse: The first person you see after saying, "hold my beer and watch this"..

            Comment

            • Iowatech
              Not a service manager

              2,500+ Posts
              • Dec 2009
              • 3930

              #3291
              Re: Joke of the Day

              Halloween is coming up, so here's some timely jokes from Reader's Digest:
              12 Halloween Jokes From Funny Comedians | Reader's Digest
              Standard disclaimer: follow that link at your own peril.

              Comment

              • fixthecopier
                ALIEN OVERLORD

                2,500+ Posts
                • Apr 2008
                • 4714

                #3292
                Re: Joke of the Day

                The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
                The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
                They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
                They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening:
                "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
                The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked:
                "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
                The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
                "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
                The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
                The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

                Comment

                • fixthecopier
                  ALIEN OVERLORD

                  2,500+ Posts
                  • Apr 2008
                  • 4714

                  #3293
                  Re: Joke of the Day

                  There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.
                  One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained
                  Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.
                  The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.
                  The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

                  Comment

                  • ZOOTECH
                    Senior member of CRS

                    Site Contributor
                    2,500+ Posts
                    • Jul 2007
                    • 3374

                    #3294
                    Re: Joke of the Day

                    During a physical exam, a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy completion. The patient replied, "High blood pressure,doc. It comes from my family."
                    "Your mother's side or your father's," asked the doctor.
                    "Neither," replied the patient. "My wife."
                    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

                    Comment

                    • emujo
                      Field Supervisor

                      2,500+ Posts
                      • Jun 2009
                      • 3009

                      #3295
                      Re: Joke of the Day

                      Recently, a portion of the Boston turnpike was inundated with dead crows, thousands of them were strewn about the highway. An ornithologist was brought in to discover the cause as a bird flew was suspected..This was ruled out by the specialist who attributed the dead birds to vehicle strikes..The strange part was, after a detailed inspection of the paint chips imbedded in the birds feathers, 98% of the strikes were by trucks. The state DOT wanted to learn why this was so they set up a camera and audio to monitor the area for some time...It was discovered that while the majority of the flock was trying to gather food left on the highway, a small percentage of crows would sit in the nearby trees and warn the other crows about approaching traffic..It was also discovered that although 100% of the crows could shout "caw, caw", none of the birds could shout "truck"


                      Why is one leg of the V formed by migrating geese longer that the other leg??? More geese.. Emujo
                      If you don't see your question answered in the forum, please don't think it's OK to PM me for a personal reply...I do not give out firmware and/or manuals.

                      Comment

                      • slimslob
                        Retired

                        Site Contributor
                        25,000+ Posts
                        • May 2013
                        • 36898

                        #3296
                        Re: Joke of the Day

                        Comment

                        • Akitu
                          Legendary Frost Spec Tech

                          Site Contributor
                          2,500+ Posts
                          • Oct 2010
                          • 2595

                          #3297
                          Re: Joke of the Day

                          So after a month of holidays and a few weeks off following some surgery I can post some jokes again. I'll be making more of an effort to avoid reposting after this one, if it's already been posted. I haven't yet had the time to catch up on the last few dozen pages.

                          It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
                          When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
                          At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
                          The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
                          At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee.
                          She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
                          When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
                          When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
                          "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
                          "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
                          Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

                          Comment

                          • Gar the pilot

                            #3298
                            Re: Joke of the Day

                            Glad you are back and feeling better,..That was a good one!

                            Comment

                            • fixthecopier
                              ALIEN OVERLORD

                              2,500+ Posts
                              • Apr 2008
                              • 4714

                              #3299
                              The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

                              Comment

                              • NeoMatrix
                                Senior Tech.

                                2,500+ Posts
                                • Nov 2010
                                • 3514

                                #3300
                                Re: Joke of the Day

                                I though the above was one of those "fortnight jokes --two weak".
                                After the 4th time reading it I found the chuckle.
                                Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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