Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids".

Q: What did Haley Joel Osment find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icey dead people.

They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?"
86% said "Never again".

Q: Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
A: He was tired of being home alone.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

I'm adding this to the list of web sites my children are not allowed to visit.

maybe so Shadow1, but your wife is going to have it bookmarked as her home page

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

STOLEN MOMENTS

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake." ____________ _________ _________ _______ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ____________ _________ _________ _______ I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ____________ _________ _________ _______ SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ____________ _________ _________ _______ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ____________ _________ _________ _______ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?" ____________ _________ _________ _______ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly lady goes to the doctor and asks him, "Is there anything you can do to make me quit farting all the time? I've farted 3 times since we've been here, and I just don't think that much is normal. They're not loud and they don't stink, but it's really annoying."

The doctor thinks for a second and writes her a prescription, "Take these 3 times a day and come back to see me in a week."

When the week is up she sees the doctor again, "I don't know what kind of pills those were, but I fart just as much as before, except now they reek to high heaven."

The doctor says, "Good. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do about your hearing."

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe..
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Have you heard that Mickey mouse & Minnie mouse are getting a divorce?

Yes It's sad,but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was going on and why he wanted a divorce.The lawyer was shocked and told Mickey he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.

The following week Mickey showed up and the lawyer told him,"I've been investigating your allegations and I don't think you can prove that Minnie is crazy."

"Crazy?" Mickey asked."I didn't say she was crazy,I said she was f*****g Goofy!!!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mortin goes into town this day and buys a brand new secondhand GT Falcon. (Same as MAD MAX). A red one cause it goes fast.

Mortin is on his way back from town with his new Falcon when see his brother Billy riding his push bike back from town. Hey Billy say's Mortin " Do you wanta a lift dare bro?"
"Where am I gona put me push bike dare bro it won't fit in da back." Says Billy.
Well bro we can tie a rope around da handle bars and I'll giv ya a tow." Ok say Billy, but you don't wanna go to fast. Nah I won't go fast dare bro. If I start goin to fast, den you ring da bell on ya bike a coupla times and I will slow down.

So off they go, Mortin in his Super Fast GT Falcon and his Brother Billy on his push bike tied with a length of rope to the back of Mortins Car.

On the way home Mortin pulls up at a stop sign next to a flash GTS Monaro. The guy in the Monaro revs his motor like he wants to Race Mortin. The Guy in the Monaro leaves the stop-sign in a cloud of tyre burning smoke. Mortin reconds he can do that, and off he goes after the GTS Monaro in hot pursute.

Further down the highway there is copper with a radar gun checking traffic. The Monaro and the Falcon go flying pass the radar at great speed. The copper jumps on his two way radio and calls to his Sargent of police in the next town for assistance.

Copper : Sarg there is a Super Fast GTS Monaro travelling at great speed toward you. DON'T WORRY ABOUT BOOKING HIM.
There is a Super Fast GT Falcon travelling right behind him bummer to bummer : DON'T WORRY ABOUT BOOKING HIM.
There is a Black Dude on a push bike ringing his bell trying to pass them both : BOOK HIM.....!

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dr.Seuss for adults

ATT00003.jpg

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

I

☼



When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then, it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.... but then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.



A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was Bush's fault.

Please be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Gift]

Re: Joke of the Day

just watch:

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Impossibilities.jpg

[Hansoon]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ricoh Cleaning 2.MP4 - YouTube

What a Moron. I'd like to know how many drums are being prematurely replaced after people following that video....

But at least now we know where the on/off switch of the vacuum cleaner is located.

Hans

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Epic Fail.

Buzz Lightyear FAIL.jpg

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

just watch:

Ricoh Cleaning 2.MP4 - YouTube

I sure hope that wasn't put out by Ricoh. I must repeat what the other guy said. What a moron.

[kyrenecopy]

Re: Joke of the Day

On the way to work this morning I pulled up behind one of those huge full size pickup trucks, duelly tires on the back, the works. On his bumper was a sticker that read: "Buy a hybrid, I need the gas!"