Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks, "What happened?" and the man explains, "Well, doctor, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

A letter G walks into a hexadecimal bar.The barman says "why the wrong base ?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: New Environmental Eco-Toilet ::

{Ok this one should be done as a visual joke... }

A man goes on a vacation to india. As he was searching through the local village markets one day, he happened to have a call of nature. Desparate he starts asking all the locals where he can find a public toilet. After many attempts and misdirections he finally locates a public sh-ouse. He sits patiently down up on the thrown to do his business,and begins to read the local toilet wall news.He finishes his business and looks around to find the toilet paper. Lo and behold there is no visable signs of toilet paper anywhere. Frustrate, he glances up at the toilet wall at a sign.

The sign says :
"This is an environmentally friendly paper free public eco-toilet.
Please use your finger to clean your self. After cleaning yourself,
please insert your finger in the sanity hole in the wall below."

The man follows the signs instructions to the letter and cleans himself as stated.
He then inserts his finger in the the sanity hole in the wall and waits...

Unbeknown to the man on the other side of the wall, there is a little indian
man with a brick. He slambs the brick hard against the mans finger.
The pain is so great that he immediately rips his finger out of the hole
and shoves it in his mouth to sooth the pain...

Sorry to all those who have just eaten....

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: New Environmental Eco-Toilet ::

{Ok this one should be done as a visual joke... }

A man goes on a vacation to india. As he was searching through the local village markets one day, he happened to have a call of nature. Desparate he starts asking all the locals where he can find a public toilet. After many attempts and misdirections he finally locates a public sh-ouse. He sits patiently down up on the thrown to do his business,and begins to read the local toilet wall news.He finishes his business and looks around to find the toilet paper. Lo and behold there is no visable signs of toilet paper anywhere. Frustrate, he glances up at the toilet wall at a sign.

The sign says :
"This is an environmentally friendly paper free public eco-toilet.
Please use your finger to clean your self. After cleaning yourself,
please insert your finger in the sanity hole in the wall below."

The man follows the signs instructions to the letter and cleans himself as stated.
He then inserts his finger in the the sanity hole in the wall and waits...

Unbeknown to the man on the other side of the wall, there is a little indian
man with a brick. He slambs the brick hard against the mans finger.
The pain is so great that he immediately rips his finger out of the hole
and shoves it in his mouth to sooth the pain...

Sorry to all those who have just eaten....

And someone said my "blowing chunks" joke was gross... Lol

[ZOOTECH]

This one is for Shadow1

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

Why not send this on to other old farts
and bring a smile...or....tear to them!

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

True Jokes:

Nicknamed my ex wife "Maytag".
Always frigid and never went down.

Heard my receptionist tell a customer who was screaming at her to get someone there right now, "I am sorry, but our Star Trek transporter is broken and we are waiting for the repairman to drive out here." I gave her a high five.

Had a few bosses tell me I have a bad attitude.
My response was, "What you call a bad attitude, I call a low tolerance for stupidity."
Got fired, but found out later that it took 2 techs to handle my area and a lot cancelled their contracts.

Why do they call it common sense if it is not that common?

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; and they had a bun in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

in the words of Homer "Dough!!!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

AMISH ELEVATOR

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just after teeing off, a woman golfer runs into the clubhouse screaming in pain:
"What happened?" asks a male golfer.
"I got stung by a wasp."
"Where?"
"Between the first and second holes."
"Mmm" says the male golfer, "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."

[mojorolla]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday.
One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said,"Sure."


So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends became curious of what the man did for a living so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed. The man said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"


The stranger said, "Sure." So the man looked for a second and said, YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"


This upset man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife."

The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man is getting impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Snip]
The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man is getting impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

I guess thats how you kill two stones with one bird .....

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Guy goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. He sits next to her and says "Can I buy you a drink"
The woman replies " No thanks, too much alcohol is bad for my legs"
The man asks, wonderingly "Does it make them swell?'
"No", she says, "It makes them spread"

[ni311]

Re: Joke of the Day

for all the cat lovers out there... watch the full serie