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Re: Joke of the Day
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewe-what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes,"
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees,"
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess... Small cox?"
*Edited* was pointed out to me that I used that one previously as well...Last edited by Akitu; 03-19-2013, 02:22 PM.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Just seen an absolute bargain on eBay, 12 Harry Potter broomsticks........
and they're only a Quidditch....
A man was on his deathbed, his wife Tina and his sister Marge were grieving at his bedside. Filled with emotion he turned to them and whispered: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."
I used to call my Granddad the Exorcist, because every time he came round he'd rid our house of all our spirits.
I was reading an article the other day about someone who'd had pioneering heart surgery, and I thought to myself; If doctors can carry out operations just using a pie and an earring, imagine how good they'd be with the proper tools?
I finally realized why I'm single. Its because women are intimidated by me.
It's not everyday they get to meet a level 30 Dungeon Master....Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Dear pessimist, optimist, and realist,
While you were arguing over the glass of water I drank it.
Sincerely,
The opportunist.73 DE W5SSJComment
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I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I thought it was funny anyway.I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
6 presidents on a sinking boat...
Ford: "What do we do?"
Bush: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan: "What lifeboats?"
Carter: "Women first!"
Nixon: "Screw the women!"
Clinton: "You think we have time?"
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol
This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
Here is her story:
"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."
It's one of the best pistols in my collection..."You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
A little crude for FB. Just right for here.I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
Bubba replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium .
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, "Ah shit, from way back there I thought you said goats.""You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Just so you know.I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, " You've got to keep that old motor running,"
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running,"
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man,"
He responded, "you've got to keep that old motor running,"
The nurse then said, "well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Hillary (Clinton) had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line.
While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about.
"Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes."
"Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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