Joke of the Day

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
...The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow waslying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

aussie joke.

old boy has a retirement party .what are you going to do said his mate.

I am going to get a caravan and drive all around Australia .

what route are you taking said his mate.

I will probably take the wife said the old bloke

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

use the Tazer Fred.jpg

Use the Tazer Fred !!!! Ouch!!!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Grammar.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There were 3 moles living in a hole, one day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

There were 3 moles living in a hole, one day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

That's a repeat from post 3 of this thread - what's up?
I remember this joke because my nephews loved this one.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

That's a repeat from post 3 of this thread - what's up?
I remember this joke because my nephews loved this one.

Crap! I've been so careful to try and avoid duplicates. At least the repeat was on the first page out of almost 150... I'll post a new one to make up for it.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[prntrfxr]

work related joke

What do you get when you cross a designjet with Rogaine?



Ans: A Harry Plotter

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Crap! I've been so careful to try and avoid duplicates. At least the repeat was on the first page out of almost 150... I'll post a new one to make up for it.

Very good; there have been others that have repeated jokes, but I know you are a perfectionist, so I wanted you to be on your 'toes'.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://i.imgur.com/ppHlEes.jpg