Joke of the Day

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.



He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar with him.



So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me today? We will have a good time."



But there was no answer from his new pet..



This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the bar with me and have a beer?"



But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.



The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.



This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar for a beer?"

......




This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!


I'm putting my f#%king shoes on!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's OK Akitu. I've seen several repeats but at 160 pages it wasn't worth it for me. You weren't around for a while? Thought you ran out of jokes.

You gotta be shitting me? We're at 160 pages here folks, cut me some slack!

Thanks for the heads up.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's OK Akitu. I've seen several repeats but at 160 pages it wasn't worth it for me. You weren't around for a while? Thought you ran out of jokes.

I was on holidays from Dec 21 - Jan 6, I tend to avoid work matters when I've got designated relaxation time. CTN falls in the realm of work matters.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?
Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

5 Miles.jpg

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?
Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

Yes it's a one of those marvelous wonders of nature. You spend 9 months kicking and screaming to get out, and the rest of your life begging to get back in.....sigh!......

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

blind bloke and his guide dog were waiting to cross the road .there was no traffic.
then as soon as a couple of cars came along the guide dog dragged the bloke over the road .
there was a squeal of brakes and the bloke eventually got to the other side of the road,
he felt in his pocket and offered the dog a biscuit.
a woman saw all this and said why are you giving your dog a biscuit he nearly got you killed.
the man said I am giving him a biscuit so I know which end his head is so I can kick him up the arse.

[Debs1964]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes...

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes...

Do you pass that with one hand or two ?

It's a bit like playing bed-cover tennis as a youth.
Back-hand, forehand,back-hand,forehand,back-hand,forehand......juice...
I was able to play a pretty quick game ....28....29....squirrrrty....

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do men and women have in common?

Both need a tissue after watching a good movie...

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

???????

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

???????

You've never needed a tissue after a good viewing of "Backdoor sluts 9"? (Obligatory South Park reference).

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke got up early in the morning to go to work and he found his little girls budgie dead in its cage.
his little girl really loved her budgie so he went round to the pet shop and asked for a blue budgie.
the man in the pet shop said sorry I only have a green one so he bought it and then went to the paint shop.
he said have you got a sky blue paint .the man said yes whats it for metal or wood .
neither he said and explained about the green budgie that he was going to paint blue .the man said it will kill the budgie
and if it does don't come back complaining to me.so he bought the paint took it home and painted the budgie.
a little while later he was in the paint shop again and the bloke said I told you it would kill the budgie.
it didn't said the man but it was the wrong colour have you got a slightly lighter blue.
yes said the man but remember what I told you.
a couple of days later the man from the paintshop saw him walking past .hows the budgie he said .
he said its dead.i told you the paint would kill it.


it wasn't the paint it was the blow lamp

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

New Zealand --where the men-are-men and the sheep are nervous...


Billy : Hey Mortin , a darn NewZealand copper pull me over for speeding in me GT Falcon de udda day...

Morton : Yer righto dare Bro how did ya know he was a NewZealand copper ?

Billy : Well he said "righto smart-ass step out of the car", when he spotted me sheepskin boots he started to get a hard-on....