Joke of the Day

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.

She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop." The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.

The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."

He said, "No, just takin' a shit."

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Morning Sex She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

C'mon, be real, to boil an egg takes approximately 3 minutes, most guys would do it 6 times in 3 minutes

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

C'mon, be real, to boil an egg takes approximately 3 minutes, most guys would do it 6 times in 3 minutes

Yeah.... That's why they should have viagra booster for women. It's save us blokes from pounding away for minutes at a time when women should be like men and get there as fast... like C'mon we got a real days work to do after that. I don't want to be doin multiple-ooooh's for hours on end just waiting for a women to catch up once ........

27sec...28sec....29sec.....oooh....ohh! squirty sec.....

(My missus would cut my short and curlies with a lawn mower if she read some of my posts.)

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

If you don't want to hear a lot of f bombs, this site isn't for you

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

C'mon, be real, to boil an egg takes approximately 3 minutes, most guys would do it 6 times in 3 minutes

That depends on how good their imagination is.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

That depends on how good their imagination is.

Or how they count.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why women live longer than men...http://imgur.com/a/ATyao

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Definition creep?

http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2014/1/16/how-to-deal-with-definition-creep.html

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0

Adds a "hole" new meaning to "ring my phone"....

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Now I know why those damn cats are running around at 4am....http://i.imgur.com/dUy0UMQ.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ahab the Arab had been on a lonely quest across the hot dry sand blow desert.
He had been out in the desert for years on end when he finally felt compelled to express this sexual desire.
There was no other people around and he started to take a liking to his favourite camel.
He positons his camel next to a sand dune and takes a running leap with his pants down.
But just as he is about to reach his goal the camel moves to the side an Ahab lands flat on his face in the sand.
He tries again; the camel moves again. And he tries for a fouth and fifth time; again the camel moves as he is about to mount.
Feeling wounded an out-done he picks himself up from the sand just as he notices a beautiful half naked women crawling toward him through the dry sand. Exhausted she starts crying water... water... water, I'd do anything for water.
Ahab lifts her up out of the sand and ask her would you do anything for water, an I mean would you do anything?
She say"yes,yes water... water ... I'd do any for water."
Right then! say's Ahab can you hold this F#$%*: Camel...?