Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A hippie gets on a bus and sees a very hot nun sitting near the back. He sits near her, and decides to take a shot. "Hey, you're pretty hot. Wanna have sex with me?" The nun screams and runs off the bus at the next stop, obviously very freaked out. The hippie, feeling defeated, decides to get off the bus as well.
The bus driver stops him and says "Hey, I saw you trying to get with that nun. She goes to this cemetery every Wednesday night and prays in front of this gravestone. Maybe if you dress up like God or something you can get her to do what you want." The hippie thinks this is a great idea, and gets together a God costume.
Wednesday comes around, and the hippie is hiding in the cemetery bushes. He slips on his God mask and jumps out the nun. "Ahhhh I'm God! I will let you into heaven if you have sex with me!" The nun says " hmmm...ok. But it has to be in the butt to preserve my virginity."
So, they start going at it, and the hippie decides to give the nun a little surprise. So he pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun pulls off her mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

WTF!!!!!!!! post the soccer shit in the soccer thread... the consortium is already disturbed by the political violations of the Joke of the Day thread......................

If it wasn't for the fact a dear friend of CTN had called me a legend in the making I would definitely change my forum title to "The Consortium".

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why HUNTERS use guns...
A learning experience. Names have been removed to protect the stupid! Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my dee r showed up -- actually 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer just EXPLODED !!!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse-- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

I REALLY don't like soccer, I thought the final was today, thought I'd have quiet roads when I go to visit my son; I couldn't care less who wins it, football players are all a bunch of over paid nancy boys anyway

Agreed ....
I like a real mans game: Rugby League.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but CTN told me it was too weak.

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

26 things that the movies have taught us...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

While we're on the movie subject here's one or two more...
Make that 50 things that the movies have taught us.

27. There is always a clap of thunder before a miraculous sudden shower of rain,
and you never see the lightning only a distant blue glow.

28. Wind an rain drops only move the trees in the foreground not in the background.

29. You can get 15 gun shots out of a six shot magazine, before reloading with an another instantly appearing full magazine.

30. Law enforcement and soldiers appear to manifest infinite ammunitions,rockets, granades out of thin air,
pior to being ambushed in a drawn out gun battle.

31. Archery bows ,quivers have unlimited arrows and flight distance.

32. Every car chase includes one dynamically impossible car "launched through the air in a barrel roll explosion" after a headon collision with another vehicle.

33. Every vehicle hit by the heros rockets or gun fire explodes into peices, but when the Hero's vehicle is hit, it just rolls over an allows him to escape.

34. Real blood is not the colour red on a movie screen.

35. Getting jabbed in the neck with a syringe takes no real time and is an instant KO or death to all enemies.

36. The hero always takes longer to die from toxic poisioning and has a miracle antidote nil effect recovery when required.

37. Ambushing the enemy with a blunt object to the head knocks them out with a single hit, but the hero takes multiple blows to the head before conceding.

38. Exercising kung-fu style pressure points on an enemy knocks out the enemy instantly without a struggle.

39. All roadbikes,dirtbikes all sound the same with an unlimited number of gears while being persude.

40. No pedestrians are runover,killed or blood spatter on the street during street curb-to-curb car chases.

41. There is always a full grocery display,firehydrant or shopping trolley in the path of a street car chase.

42. You'll hardly ever see the real moon size or shape in a movie, it's nearly always a scaled prop.

43. Fire instantly engulfs an entire building or scene except where the hero is laying.

44. Lighting one single candle in a dark movie scene can light up a ball park stadium ready for a game.

45. Thousand year old dark dungeons and underground passage-ways always have a wall mounted flame torch pre-fueled
,an when light miraculously bursts into flames and steadlily burns unfueled for hours.

46. You'll always see a massive load of cobb webs in a movie scene but rarely any spiders.

47. Throwing knives and sharps "always hit the enemy blade first " with an instant body drop kill shot. While the hero survives multiple wounds.

48. The hero performs a single burst kill shot off-the-hip while running , while multiple enemy standing out in the open taking steady aim always miss.

49. One light match or hero's bullet in a desiel fuel store or munitions dump can miraculously explode the entire movie scene in an instant.

50. There is nearly always a love scene in every action movie. You paid good money for an action movie, not a lipstick smudger.

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

51. Tires always squeal at high speed, even on dirt.

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

52. Call out "Hello?" when you hear strange noises in the middle of the night, hoping to get an answer back.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

52. Call out "Hello?" when you hear strange noises in the middle of the night, hoping to get an answer back.

Oscar heard 4 loud bangs then a thud.... Good enough reply for him....

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

51. Tires always squeal at high speed, even on dirt.

Conversely, tires always squeal at low speed on anything except dirt. People in movies must drive with terrible tires...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been getting more perverse, but it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom...

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

That would be "statutory rape"..LOL Emujo

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Woman's Mood.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

You're Ugly.jpg