Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

With apologies to friends down there...



A man is going through customs entering Australia.

The agent ask "Do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know it was still a requirement."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I dont have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, "pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One, if no one's looking...

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

With apologies to friends down there...



A man is going through customs entering Australia.

The agent ask "Do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know it was still a requirement."

Hey had to make us legal cause they wouldn't let the ball&chains through customs...

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.
"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better."
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
"Well, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."
The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "you have better friends."
"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies, and of course goes straight to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll be really nice, and even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. "No," Bill said.
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, forever and ever. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes skydiving for the first time.
After listerning to the instructor for
what seemed like days,he is ready for his first jump.
Overly excited he finally jumps out of the aeroplane in free fall.
After a short while he pulls on the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries the cord again.Still nothing.
He starts to panic but some how
remembers he has a backup chute.
He pulls the cord.Nothing happens.
He frantically pulls every cord he can,
but nothing happens.
Scared out of his witts he
suddenly looks down and see's
another guy in the air with him,
but this guy is travelling up.
Just as the guy passes by the skydiver yells
"do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back 'No!', 'do you
know anything about gas stoves?'

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man in a movie theatre lies spread out across 3 seats.
He lies there moaning an groaning an breathing heavy.
After some complaints the usher walks over to the man
and says "I believe that is very rude of you sir, you're taking
up 3 seats, don't you have any respect,where did you come
from?' The guy moaning ,out of breath, points up and say's
"ttthe balcony."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old man boast loud as he pounds his flat firm stomach
after doing a 100 situps in front of a group of young people.
I'm fit as a fiddle,an do you know why?
I don't drink, I don't smoke,I go to bed early
an I don't chase after loose women. He smiles
at them with a big cheezy grin. And tomorrow
I'm going to celebrate my ninetieth birthday ?
'Oh really?' drawls one of the young onlookers, 'How?'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think...

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Speed Limit.jpg