Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Took the wife to the disco last week

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works".

My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! "

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

The UK government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the Olympics.



Just checked mine for the mens wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

The UK government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the Olympics.



Just checked mine for the mens wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.

Shzzz I better tell my mates about this. I'm not sure if their tickets are genuine either.
They have passes to the Javelin catching competition.

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

They have passes to the Javelin catching competition.

Betcha all the competitors are named KaBob.

[mojorolla]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife asked me for a watch for her birthday.

I told her there was a clock on the stove.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired......



Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
Then one day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."




The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Betcha all the competitors are named KaBob.

Yeah yeah for sure. Some of the competitors names (according to my mates) are Skewer, Pointy, Sharp, HolePunch, Needles, Kabab...

They tell me it's a terrific once-in-a-life-time event for ex-girlfriends ,ex-wives, mother-in-laws etc.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired......

{snip}

Brings to mind old family anecdotes.
As a kid my old man would always harp on-an-on about using the last bit in the sauce bottle.
Use up the old bottle of jam, vegemite or milk carton before you start on the new one.

Truth be known, as teenagers my brother and I where working on jobs around our property with the old man one day when the old-man pipes up and says "can you go down the ladder and and get such-n-such".
My cheeky brother turns to the old-man an says "why" ?
They old-man says "cause your younger than me an have more energy."
My quick witted brother turns back to him and says.
"You always boot us up the back-side for not using up the old one first."
So your the old bugger and we should be using you up first."

Needless to say the old-man won that point of discussion...

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!' FORGET THE SHRINKS..HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more, And nothing but happiness come through your door!

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife asked me for a watch for her birthday.

I told her there was a clock on the stove.

Our son asked for a watch for his birthday............so we let him!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Our son asked for a watch for his birthday............so we let him!

The lesbians next door gave me a rolex, I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, "Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?" The other answers, "Keep swimming foot! We haven't even passed the tonsils yet!

[Herrmann]

Re: Joke of the Day

You have to set priorities

prioritäten.jpg

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just stumbled on this one - please raise your arms those who find at least 5 sentences you wish you could use with your customers/boss/colleagues at work.

25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often

• • • • 1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
        
        2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
        
        3. How about never? Is never good for you?
        
        4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
        
        5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
        
        6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
        
        7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
        
        8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
        
        9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
        
        10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
        
        11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
        
        12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
        
        13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
        
        14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
        
        15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
        
        16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
        
        17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
        
        18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
        
        19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
        
        20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
        
        21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
        
        22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
        
        23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
        
        24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
        
        25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just stumbled on this one - please raise your arms those who find at least 5 sentences you wish you could use with your customers/boss/colleagues at work.

What! only limited to 5 ?