Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was late coming into work again and the boss was furious.
She called me into the office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"Slept in," I shrugged.
"For f**k's sake, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."

One of the lesser known stories in Greek mythology tells of a classic football match on Mount Olympus between the Gods and the Mortals.
The Gods thrashed the Mortals 8-0 and put the victory down to the brilliance of their new Centaur-Forward.

The advantage of easy Origami is twofold....

When it comes to cosmetic surgery,a lot of people turn their noses up.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'm amazed how many people go to Ascot when It's windy.
Still,hats off to them.

I was skiing through Tie Rack and fell down an 80-foot cravat.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

I thought it was the bag ya blew into when you were over the limit.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.


I love dark humor...

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?

"Hole is gunna be big"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

And now on the subject "Is this guy fucking badass or just plain stupid?":

[daveyball]

Re: Joke of the Day

And now on the subject "Is this guy fucking badass or just plain stupid?":

He's a feckin Idiot

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Since religion is such an hot topic nowadays, here's another one:

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable, and the three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway, and yells "Jesus Christ!"

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than 'Clyde'!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.

As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.

When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.


"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe--"


But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.


"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."


"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"


"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."


By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.


"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)


I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"


My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"


"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."


"How about a hundred years?" he said.


"How about six days?" I said.


He said horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."


I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"


"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning-- Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"


I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.

The girl suddenly stops, looks at him and asks, "You haven't got AIDS, have you?"

He replies, "No way!"

She hugs him and responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!! I don't want to get that shit again...!"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

When I said "Lets take more risks in the bedroom" to my wife
Maroon with Peach wasn't quite what I had in mind!!

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch." The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "May I help you with this painting? 'he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" " Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting.
The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."