Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

2 Old Farts

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference..'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, i think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite,
then she farted and flew out of the window...took my teeth with her!'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

The teacher said "Class, today we are going to play a game. I want each of you to close your eyes, then I will come by and put a piece of candy in your mouth and you will tell me what it is." She walked up to Jane and placed a candy in her mouth and she smiled and said "This is easy , I love Gummy Bears". "Very good" sasid the teacher as she moved on to Jack. She put a candy in his mouth and he spoke up and said it was a lemon drop. Then she walks up to Alex and put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth. "It's chocolate he said". "But what is it called" said the teacher. "I don't know" said Alex, "give me a hint". The teacher said OK and thought about it. "It's something your mom gives your dad every night before she goes to sleep", then Little Johnny jumped up and yelled "SPIT IT OUT , IT"S A PIECE OF ASS!"

[kingarthur]

Re: Joke of the Day

I came across a lion once.

So i wiped it off and went on my way.

I had to have a mole removed.....the local animal rescue centre said if i did it again, i'd be prosecuted....

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face
and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him
square in the eyes, spins him around, and says....................


'Geez, Grandpa....... Go home! You're drunk.'

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address,
Social Security number, etc. And then asks, "What's
your occupation?"



"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.




The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."




The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."




They both think for a minute; then the woman says,"I'm an elite chicken farmer."




The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming haveto do with being a prostitute?"




"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry for the break in my joke posts. Was out sick the last few days.

A general store owner hired a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.
When she descended the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves, as he was having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he quickly requested his own loaf of raisin bread so that he could continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person was asking for raisin bread, just to see the the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk was tired and irritated and thinking that she was really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yelled, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaked the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'


'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

True story, when my wife was a child, she took a vegetarian stance to protest the killing of innocent cuddly animals. She still ate KFC regularly though because she thought the KFC chicken couldn't possibly be the same as the clucking animal chicken, and therefore considered it a vegetable.

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Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight. Only $1.00 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my damn credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees a large, well-endowed gorilla with a sign around his neck saying, "If I catch you, I can have you."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

AH YES !!!
I too am a member of the REAL PETA !!!

P eople
E ating
T asty
A nimals

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

New food scandal!

576015_449379501798498_1016734460_n.jpg

Contains 0% body of Christ

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans
and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they
can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a
real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting
him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband
home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more! The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."