Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teacher is teaching history and tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.
The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is going home early today.
Teacher: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country."
The boy raises his hand hoping the teacher will pick him, a girl in class raises her hand
Teacher: Mary. Who said that?
Mary: John.F.Kennedy
Teacher: Correct. Good bye
The boy is disappointed but knows he will get the next one.
Teacher: "Four score and seven years ago our...
Before she could finish the boy and and two girls raise their hands
Teacher: Jessica. Who said that?
Jessica: Abe Lincoln
Teacher: That's right, you can leave now.
The boy is now getting upset he sits at the edge of his chair
Teacher: "I am not a crook"
The boy raises his hand and waves hysterically another girl gets called on
Teacher: Amy. Who said that?
Amy: Richard Nixon
Teacher: Bye now
The boy: I wish these bitches could keep their mouths shut!
Teacher: WHO SAID THAT?!
The boy: Bill Clinton, see you Monday!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What happens when a cat gets into your Skittles...








I don't want to taste that rainbow...

I'll just leave this here...

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

DosXX.pdf

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Aussie, Irishman and a Pommy where travelling one night when their vehicle broke down.
They managed to hitch a ride to the nearest town and found a vacancy at a local Motel.
The manager of the Motel said " we only have single rooms available;
they are located one above the other on different floors."
The Pommy said " Jolly good I'll take the top floor."
The Aussie said "fine mate I'll take the middle floor"
The Irishman said "greeat I'll ave the boottom flooor."
The Pommy ,busting to go to the toilet,heads up to his room to use the bathroom.
As he's sitting on the throne he suddenly see's a ghostly apparition appear in the window.
Scared wittless he races out of the bathroom and dives under the bed covers in fear.
After quite some time under the covers he's still unable to move from the shock,so
he decides to crap in the bed,and then frantically throws the sheet out the window.

Next morning all three men meet down stairs in the Motel lobby.
The Aussie guy asks the pommy "how did you sleep last night?"
The Pommy says "Ah didn't sleep a wink, I saw a ghost in my window last night."
The Aussie say's "Mate,I didn't sleep either, I saw a ghost flying pass my window last night."
The Irishman said "Ey didn't sleep a wee bit, I saw me a ghoost fley pass me winda,
so I grabbed it an beat the crap out of it."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "1 have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "yes, but never with a daffodil!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's gonna be mad when she finds out...

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is trying to get on the bus
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large man standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.
Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

• Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?
  
• It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

• Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?
  
• Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks. His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free." The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things. "What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks. The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman had just given birth to a baby boy. The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed?" The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"