Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was admitted to the hospital recently with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors describe his condition as stable.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was admitted to the hospital recently with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Hospital staff where betting odds-on favorite that the cause was race related....

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I Knew This Would Happen! I think it is a sign of the end of human life as we know it...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't even notice; call her fat once and she'll always remember.
Is that because an elephant never forgets?

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't even notice; call her fat once and she'll always remember.
Is that because an elephant never forgets?

But if she asks if an article of clothing makes her look fat, it is always the clothing making her "look fat".

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A first grade teacher asks the kids in the class to tell a story that has a moral to it.
The first kid says, "Ummm I was walking with my eggs in a basket and I tripped and the basket fell and all my eggs broke."
Teacher, "That's terrible. What's the moral?" Kid (crying), "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next kid stands up and says, "I had some eggs too. I counted them all up to see how many chickens I would have. But one didn't hatch."
Teacher, "That's so sad. What's the moral?" Kid (crying), "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next kid stands up and says, "My uncle Ted was in Vietnam. He was riding in a chopper. It got shot down. Everyone died except him. All he had was his M16 and a case of beer. His leg was broken. He was surrounded by Viet Cong. He drank six beers. He shot five of them until his gun jammed. He drank six more beers and beat the rest of the VC to death with his bare hands."
The teacher says, "Oh my god. That's horrible. What is the moral of that story?"
Kid says, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, "Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else?" So the officer does a routine inspection of the 'vehicle' and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses testicles. He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that he husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, "That's simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else?" After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, "I can't quite remember. Something about the emergency brake.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

'Pension sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,

doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out

this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see

what the problem is..'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

SEX &ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make

you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over

the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so stupid to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman was walking one day when she heard a noise coming from the woods. She goes into the woods to look and finds a genie living there. The genie looking surprised says to her, "If you dont tell anybody about me, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman agrees and The genie says, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman agrees. For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The genie warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. "The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, The genie grants this and suddenly she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The genie said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, again the genie agrees and suddenly she's the richest woman in the world! The genie then asked about her third wish, too which the women replies. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

"Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women think they can outsmart us but really we always win. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Next time...read less.