Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" they say with astonishment.
"Well, actually, I've been here since last night. You see yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'. She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said, "Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" they say with astonishment.
"Well, actually, I've been here since last night. You see yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'. She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said, "Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"

Sent from my iDon't believe in marketing device using Tapatalk

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

Wanted to say thanks lmho



Sent from my iDon't believe in marketing device using Tapatalk

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe??

Roberto...

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the American questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this American. When he did find the American he thought he'd set a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the American what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The American replied: eggs. The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct. Ten years later the man comes across the Native American again. Very pleased to see him he comes along to the American and greets him in the traditional "How". The American looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: Scrambled.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these assholes! They've come to steal your land."

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy tricks, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

God is traveling around the world to spread his religion.
He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.
He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.
He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward.
'How much do they cost?'
God replies, 'They're free.'
The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Overheard a guy bragging that he lasted over an hour with his wife Saturday night.

Nobody realized it was day light savings time.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the front yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What’s wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these assholes! They've come to steal your land."

That one didn't even make a full page before it was repeated. I'm feeling a little Alzheimic. The good news is that I am always meeting new people and I will be able to hide my own Easter eggs.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

That one didn't even make a full page before it was repeated. I'm feeling a little Alzheimic. The good news is that I am always meeting new people and I will be able to hide my own Easter eggs.

And I had seen it a couple days earlier on Facebook.