Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"
The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"
The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

99% of the people in this world are stupid, luckily I'm part of the other 5%

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

That would be a great bumper sticker...Emujo

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Grammar is correct, the joke lies in the inflection.

My uncle had a stallion named "Inflection".... or was that "Infection".

Aaaah! that would explain Uncle Jacks job....

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

so business was very bad and he had to decide who he was going to let go.he had two new staff mary and jack .
he called mary in and said im sorry but i must choose its either you or jack off.
she said you better do the other because its the wrong time of the month.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

One evening a man visits his doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, and the man says "I think I'm a moth.
The doctor is chagrined. "You think you're a moth?" he explains. "You don't need a doctor. You need a therapist."
"I know" replies the man. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but then I saw your light was on."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day Canada will take over the world, then you'll all be sorry!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry for re-posting this, but it's worth repeating IMHO.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it! Just because you have more money than me, you don't have to be a dick about it!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why I didn't get the job...



I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!
"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But there's another candidate for the job. Very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two".
"Really? So which one of us are you going to hire?" I asked.
"Well," the VP responded, "the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job. Be here at 9am sharp tomorrow morning".
So the next morning I go to the VP's office. The other candidate is there - a very charismatic guy, and obviously really smart. So we get sat down at two desks, side by side, and are given the test.
A little while later, the VP calls me back into his office. "Listen... we've scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But we're going to have to go with the other guy."
"What?" I asked, shocked. "But we got the same question wrong!"
"Yes," the VP answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pardon the quantity of jokes. Been up for 3 hours, still got 30 min before leaving for work.

The presidents of some major beer companies go out for a beer after a convention.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!"
The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that."
At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows.
The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in. "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal."
Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice.
"Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot."
"Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?"
Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit."
"Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
"I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..."
"Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been."
Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

redundancy.pngAkitu, seriously, do you not read the posts....Emujo

Akitu's new avatar...Emujo

[Gar the pilot]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why we love kids

Nudity
" I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was STARK naked! As Iwas reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat "Dad! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt"."

More nudity
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with Ladies grabbling towels and running for cover. Tha little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the mater, haven't you ever seen a little boy before??"

Police # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementry school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6-years-old. Looking up and down at my Uniform, she asked, " Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the Police, Is that right?" "Yes, that is right," I told her. "Well, then,!" she said as she extended her foot towards me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Police # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partmer, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled,.. the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van at Jake. Finally he said,.."what did he do?"