Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

They are being represented by the Law Offices of Dewey Cheatem and Howe.

Som Ting Wong:
The TV station is being sued for defamation of the Airline...

It was funny if it wasn't so serious...

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles..

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

LARRY is in Room 232 at the Hospital


Okay, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?, she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say,
"Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dear Doctor Phil


Dear Dr. Phil,


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime - bass fishing.
I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me,
but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam,
the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.
We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing.
She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.
Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen,
only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do?
Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?



Thanks,




P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.









Dear Fisherman,


Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass !

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but beforethat he
asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer buys a younger rooster for his hens. The old rooster, none too happy, decides to challenge the young rooster to a race.

" Let's race around the house," the old rooster says, " and the winner gets all of the hens to himself".

Eagerly, the young rooster accepts. The old rooster takes off first, getting the lead. No problem, thinks the young rooster as he knows that he can catch and pass the old rooster as he takes off after him.

The farmer, hearing the commotion, runs outside with his shotgun and shoots and kills the young rooster.

" What's wrong," the farmers wife yells from inside the house.

" Dammit," the farmer replied, " that's the third gay rooster I've bought this week."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A German, Dutchie and Frenchie are learning English.

Day 1.
Teacher: I want y'all to make a phrase with the words Pink, Yellow and Green.
Dutchie: The painting has the colors pink, yellow and green
Teacher: hmm, that's OK
German: I wake up, see the Yellow sun and the Green grass and I think, this is going to be a Pink day!
Teacher: Very good!
Frenchie: The telephone goes "Green Green!", I Pink it up and say "Yellow?"

Day 2
Teacher: I want y'all the make a phrase with the verb "Look"
Dutchie: I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Teacher: From U2, very good!
German: Look out, a car is coming
Teacher: OK, that is nice too
Frenchie: Look, I am your father

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mother and father ponder sons future

"I have an idea," said the father. As he puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

2 drunk guys:

Dude, How much does a fart weight ?

the other: Nothing, it's gas!

Mmmmmmm, I think then I just shat in my pants.



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[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

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