Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

When he meets a friend going the other way.
'What are you doing with that penguin?' his friend says.
'Well I just found it outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!'
'Why don't you take it to the zoo?' she says.
'Brilliant! I hadn't thought of that.' And they go their separate ways.
The next day the man is walking along the same street with the penguin under his arm again, and he sees his friend coming the other way.
'I thought you were going to take it to the zoo?' she asks.
'I did' replies the man. 'It loved it. We're going to the cinema this afternoon!'

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

I guess it happens to everyone...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cop is out on patrol and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up. He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

[Tata]

Re: Joke of the Day

Personally, I would have said "The business is really booming."

Or what the terrorist mom said while looking at a picture of her children "kids... they blow so fast"

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is related and had to be one of my all time favorite Volkswagen commercials.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is an old one. We used to do this when I was a kid...Invisible rope prank - Imgur

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says "Ron, I'm gay".
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.
"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

[sdrawkcab]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three men are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.
"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits. "Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing. The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay... There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition. The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief. "No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.
The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel. "What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats. "No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!" "Then what's your problem?" "I just passed my wife and she was on roller skates!"

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

How to entertain children if you don't have any:

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

25% of the women in this country are on medication for psychotic thoughts


That's scary.





It means 75% are running around untreated

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking about how they paid themselves every week after the worshipers donated to the temple, church etc.
The Priest: I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church.
The monk: how interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine.
The rabbi chimes in, oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
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The Human Centipede wasn't all that bad really...
Most of it was tongue in cheek...