Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her one last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".



After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Twenty Eight"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"



Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://imgur.com/UsOwfGA

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Okay we're running low on jokes but I still have an odd beer-drinking-boys-club ditty or two..

There was an odd drunk from Calcutta,
who fall @ss-over-t!t in the gutter,
the tropical sun burnt a hole through his bum,
and melted his balls to butter...


Motoring down the mountain,
p!ssed as a fountain,
suddenly my chain shear broke,
they found me in the grass,
with a muffler up my @ss,
and me balls playing ping-pong on the spokes...

I have a couple more but I'm struggling to clean them up...

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Something tells me that this was posted here already but what the hell

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Best ones I have found...

http://imgur.com/Fb20BM8

http://i.imgur.com/7mZXA09.gif

http://imgur.com/iyy0CdH

http://i.imgur.com/bi3r71b.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/POHNlNN.jpg

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires..

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Am I "that guy", because I "ratted" you out once?

I consider that quite helpful actually, seeing as I think I've posted the majority of jokes in this thread (or at least I think I have?) I can't be expected to keep track of them all, can I?

Also - here's today's joke!

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving home and on the way they realize they have to pee... bad. They try to hold it, but when you gotta go you... (you get it). Finally, they just can't take it anymore and they pull over to the side of the road near a cemetery and decide to drop their underwear and just go. One lady simply take off her underwear and wipe with those, but the other remembers that hers are a gift from her husband. However, she spotted a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they went home. That weekends their husbands were at the pub chatting and one says, "These ladies nights out are getting out of hand they really need to stop, last night my wife cam home with out any panties on." The other man finishes his beer and says, "You think that's bad... My wife came home with a card in her butt crack that said 'On behalf of the whole fire department, we'll never forget you."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Something tells me that this was posted here already but what the hell

You would be correct in that assumption, another of mine from the past.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

I consider that quite helpful actually, seeing as I think I've posted the majority of jokes in this thread (or at least I think I have?) I can't be expected to keep track of them all, can I?

Also - here's today's joke!

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving home and on the way they realize they have to pee... bad. They try to hold it, but when you gotta go you... (you get it). Finally, they just can't take it anymore and they pull over to the side of the road near a cemetery and decide to drop their underwear and just go. One lady simply take off her underwear and wipe with those, but the other remembers that hers are a gift from her husband. However, she spotted a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they went home. That weekends their husbands were at the pub chatting and one says, "These ladies nights out are getting out of hand they really need to stop, last night my wife cam home with out any panties on." The other man finishes his beer and says, "You think that's bad... My wife came home with a card in her butt crack that said 'On behalf of the whole fire department, we'll never forget you."

I do not know if it was on this forum, but I have seen it before.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I do not know if it was on this forum, but I have seen it before.

Might have been one of mine here. I had the same thought.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Might have been one of mine here. I had the same thought.

You's are only suffering half alziehmers, the joke was a repost from one of mine...

See page 169....