Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is the difference between Engineers, Architects and Contractors?

An Architect is said to be a man who knows a great deal, about very little, and who goes along knowing more and more, about less and less, until finally, he knows practically everything about nothing.

An Engineer, on the other hand, is a man who knows a very little about, a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less, about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about everything.

A Contractor starts out knowing practically everything, about everything, but ends by knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with Architects and Engineers.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.."


The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."



The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."



Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"



The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.


The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."



The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."



The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."



With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The song leader lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"



As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.


The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk,


"Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?


" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"


The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him again but for a little longer.


He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"


The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"






The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,




"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Smiles" is the longest word in English. Because there is a whole mile between its 1st and last letters

Groan.jpg

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Highlights from the old Hollywood Squares game show...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q. What should you call a group of dancers in a ballet?

A. Paul Lynde: Silly savages.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Back in the 70's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go Mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for its maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach 1 ... Mach 2 ... Mach 3 ... Mach 3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plane hit the ground and killed the test pilot.

The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash.

The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems.

Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body.

At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful.

All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers.

"Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears along the perforations."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant. "Well," he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete -----!"