Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Reminds me of an old thread...

http://www.jumbojoke.com/images/familyplanning.jpg

BTW Love the Aussie accent,you've got it nearly spot on....

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Reminds me of an old thread... http://www.jumbojoke.com/images/familyplanning.jpg

BTW Love the Aussie accent,you've got it nearly spot on....

The link did not work. I had to copy it as text and paste it.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."

And now he keeps it in the boot of his car for a spare fan belt...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FU>KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A$$!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approachedby a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right?

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Minister walking down the road spots a little boy sitting on the curb crushing ants while reciting "Damn ants! These Goddamn ants!"...Minister stops the boy and starts to explain to him how everything on God's green earth has a purpose and being so, he should not crush and curse them. He goes on to challenge the little boy and tell him "to go home and think about it and if he could name three things on God's green earth that truly did not have a purpose, he was welcome to continue". So the minister carries on his journey quite proud of himself and how he had handled the situation. Days later he spots the same child in the same place, crushing ants while saying "Damn ants!, these Goddamn ants!"...The minister is shocked and reminded the boy of his words and his challenge to name three things without a purpose. The child replied "I can" so the minister asked him, "what are those three things?"...The little bot told him "tits on a nun, a dick on a priest, and these Goddamn ants!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

two blokes go to a fancy dress party in a cow costume .when it was time to leave they were too drunk to drive home and it was pouring with rain .
what are we going to do said the bloke in the front end of the cow.the man in the back said to save getting wet we should keep the costume on and cut across the fields it will only take us about half an hour.
so off they went .suddenly the bloke at the back said there is a huge bull chasing us what the heck are we going to do.
the bloke in front said I am going to start chewing the grass ,you had better brace yourself .

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Blonds with Pigs

One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart.

So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, "I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference." So she cut her pig's tail off.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off." So, she did.

That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, "I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart." So, she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, "How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Another one, just in case my previous one doesn't go over well, and a filler because I wasn't in on Friday to post anyways.

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin' out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Another one, just in case my previous one doesn't go over well, and a filler because I wasn't in on Friday to post anyways.

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin' out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

I have seen the punch line before.

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Time for another three legged animal story...

A guy traveling the back roads sees a three legged pig outside a small farm. It catches his eye and he decides he has to stop and ask the story of the three legged pig. So he stops and strikes up a conversation with the farmer and says "I noticed the three legged pig in the pen over there. It must have a story doesn't it"? The farmer replied "yes it does, quite a story indeed" That pig saved my life and the lives of every member of my family" "You see we were all asleep one night when the house caught on fire, That pig smelled the smoke, broke the boards of his pen, rushed in the house and dragged all of us to safety"...So the man said "that is quite a heroic story, and he somehow lost his leg in the fire"?...The farmer said "No, a pig that special, you don't want to eat all at once".

[Ctl-Alt-Del]

Re: Joke of the Day

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.