Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.
I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"
"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that friggin slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today, I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

[daveyball]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was in the Gym yesterday, I said to the trainer, "Which machine can I use to impress that sexy blonde over there." He looked at me and said "The cash machine you fat bastard"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke went to the dog races and the favourite won by a mile , he said to his mate I am going to buy that dog.
he went up to the owner and said I will give you $10,000 dollars for the dog.the owner said you must be joking .that dog has won me thousands over the last year .ok said the bloke I will give you my phone number and if you ever change your mind give me a ring.
well a couple of mornings later the owner went to feed the dog and it was as dead as a dodo.
he rang the bloke up and said do you still want to buy that dog ,yes he said but I will only pay $10,000 dollars.
alright said the owner I will put it In a kennel and send it to you by freight.
the next meeting he saw the bloke and said I am so sorry ,I ripped you off the dog was dead when I sent it and I would like to give you your money back.its alright said the bloke I made $20,000 dollars on the dog. how can you make $20.000 dollars on a dead dog.
easy .I raffled it ,every one new how good the dog was and I sold 4000 tickets at $5 dollars each.
the other bloke said what about the bloke that won.
oh he said he moaned a bit so I gave him his $5 dollars back.

[Akitu]

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Pommy an Aussie an a Yank we're all attending a back alley illegal dog fighting club.
The Pommy says to the Yank "my dog is the best dog there is";
The yank replies, "my dog is the best dog there is."
So the Yank say's to the Pommey "put your money where your mouth is and lets see."
So the Yank brings out his best Shorthaired doberman
and places him in the fight pen against the Pommies Rhodsian Ridgeback.
The two dogs attack each other viciously.
After about 15 mins of blood and gore the Yanks dog finally stands triumphant .
When all the commotion dies down the Aussie sits in the corner laughing pointing his finger at the Yanks dog.
You don't call that a dog do you...? Mate! back home I have a long-nose-short-legged-long-tail terrior
that can wipe any of your dogs for lunch. "Well go get your dog Aussie boy" the Yank says "and lets see how good he is."
So the Aussie goes home and comes back with his long-nose-short-legged-long-tail terrier.

The Yanks feels he doesn't need to show off his best dog to the Aussie and choses his 3rd best dog.
The Aussie place his long-nose-short-legged-long-tail terrior in the ring with the Yanks Pit Bullterrier.
The pen gates open and the two dogs attack.
The Aussie's dog takes one bite of the Yanks dog,blood and gore everywhere -- it was all over in 8seconds.
The Yank was astounded at the ferrous Aussie dog.
What sort of breed did you say your dog was?
The Aussie says "me dog is a long-nose-short-legged-long-tail terrier
."
The Yanks say's well I challenge your dog to another fight!.
The Aussie says bring it on....
So the Yank brings out his 2nd best dog and puts him into the ring.
The pen gates open and again the Aussie dog takes one bite of the Yanks dog ,
blood and gore, it was all over in 5 seconds.
"I'll be damn" said the Yank "I gotta challenge you again".
So the Yank puts his best Shorthaired Doberman into the ring.
Again the Aussie dog takes one bite out of the Yanks dog an it's all over in 3 seconds.
"I be damned" said the Yank, getting really hostile. I never seen a dog do that!"
What sort of breed did you say it was?
Aussies : "he's a long-nose-short-legged-long-tail terrier
."
That's what you guys call them here, back in Australia we call em Croc's.

[Akitu]

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke goes into a pub and goes to the bar ,barman says can I get you a drink .ok he says I will have a pint.
the barman gives him the pint and he swallows it in one go.the barman said that will be five dollars .
he said I am not paying ,you asked me if I wanted a drink I didn't ask you to get me a drink so that's why I am not paying.
the barman threw him out .
he went to the next pub and did the same thing and got thrown out.
he went to every pub in town and got absolutely pissed out of his mind and went back into the first pub.
as soon as the barman spotted him he grabbed him by the collar gave him a thump and threw him out again.
why did you do that said the man. because you have been in every pub in town and ripped them off for a beer.
it wasn't me said the man .the barman said in that case you must have a double.
thanks said the man make it a scotch.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.
"A fireman" he replies
"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says
"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
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For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. 'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

[daveyball]

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke was driving his new jaguar along a long winding road when a bloke in a rolls Royce went past him at a 100 miles an hour .
the bloke in the jag got annoyed at this so he put his foot down and overtook the rolls Royce .a bit further up the road there was a man standing next to his bike thumbing a lift .the rolls stopped and the driver said whats up .the cyclist said I am worn out and its 100 miles to the next town.ok said the driver tie your bike to the rear bumper and I will toe you into town ,if you have any problems just ring your bell and I will stop.so off they go .a few miles up the road the jag was parked in a layby .he saw the rolls and sped off and overtook him.the rolls driver wasn't having any of this so he put his foot down to overtake .

there was a patrol car up ahead and the driver said we will do him for speeding. what said his mate the jag no said the driver.oh said his mate the rolls Royce.
no said the driver that bloke on his bike,hes ringing his bell and screaming trying to overtake both of them.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Astronomical Observations::

Said the Teacher to Tommy while studying the stars,
"Have you seen Mars..."?
Said Tommy to Teacher looking so cute,
"I have'nt seen Mars but Pa's got a beaut"...

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Astronomical Observations::

Said the Teacher to Tommy while studying the stars,
"Have you seen Mars..."?
Said Tommy to Teacher looking so cute,
"I have'nt seen Mars but Pa's got a beaut"...

I think we need a "this one's really funny if you can figure it out category"...BTW I don't get it..Emujo